America, Fuck Yes!

7 Month Vacation

So we realize our awesome ass awe-inspiring appreciative American Tumblr has been totally MIA (fuck yeah military lingo!) for the last 7 months. Sorry we’re not sorry. We took a long weekend that stretched into a seven month vacation. We don’t see an issue with that because this is America where we’re not forced to update blogs every day. We’ve been learning about the Jim Crow era (that was a bad idea, South!) and listening to our liberal professors bitch about Republicans and stuff. But since it’s September and we again need to procrastinate we’re going to try and update a little bit more frequently. Luckily for us, that gives us a seven month window to update again and still keep our word (fuck yeah, loopholes!)

For now, we leave you with this picture of a kitten taking a cat nap on an American flag:

“On January 27, 1888, the National Geographic Society is founded in Washington, D.C., for “the increase and diffusion of geographical knowledge.””

Way to go America! The capital was the site of the creation of the National Geographic Society, which would eventually lend itself to National Geographic Magazine and the National Geographic channel. Seriously who doesn’t love to flip through the glossy pages of National Geographic Magazine and learn about obscure places and animals with really fantastic pictures that leave you momentarily speechless? Don’t even get me started on the National Geographic Channel. Who doesn’t occasionally indulge in guilty pleasures like The Dog Whisperer or Wild Justice? Just the other day I watched Wild Justice: Piranha Crackdown. Not familiar with that episode? Here’s a little synopsis: “Wild Justice goes online to stop illegal activities after black market operators are caught selling Piranhas on Craigslist. But after a late night sting Fish and Game wardens discover the criminal mastermind turns out to be just fifteen years old. Then a special operations unit goes on the move as surveillance reveals the poaching of red abalone, but things get complicated when the suspect tries to flee.” Who knew you could buy piranhas on Craigslist? Guess you really can get everything online! Another thing the NatGeoTV does right? America. They are always airing specials about the land of the free. What more could one ask for? Nothing. So today take a break and honor American history by tuning into a little bit of National Geographic channel.

http://s.ngm.com/2003/05/everest/img/barry-bishop-615.jpg

Freelancer: EG

Beer=AMERICA!

“Canned beer makes its debut on this day in 1935. In partnership with the American Can Company, the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of Krueger’s Finest Beer and Krueger’s Cream Ale to faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia. Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light to further production.”

‘Tis a Glorious Day in American History! Beer always lends itself to a good time; especially American beer made from the heart of America, or in this case Virginia, and especially when everyone is extra pumped for the first canned beer ever! I bet those taxpaying American citizens in Richmond had one heck of a celebration. Go America for creating such a useful and much appreciated item such as cans for storing the refreshing beverage known as beer!

Freelancer: EG

“That’s one flag everyone can agree on” - JF

http://www.usa-traffic-signs.com/Free_s/56.htm

“…this is our effort to help promote American patriotism.”
Count me in. I am behind anyone or anything that states THAT as their mission statement. Listen up readers, everyone click the above link. DO IT. NOW. I’m not screwing around here. What type of American would you be if you didn’t help promote patriotism? A shitty one, that’s what type. I can vouch for this website because I myself gave it a test run. I dug up some envelopes, filled them out, and sent them off armed with three American flag stamps to pay for the voyage. A little over a week later I came home after a long day all worn out and checked the mail only to find 14 American Flag decals waiting for me. You better believe I got an adrenaline rush. One, who doesn’t love free things? Crazies, that’s who. Free things are instant mood lifters. Two, who doesn’t enjoy American flag decals? They go with just about everything, clearly they look best on trucks because that’s just about as American as you can get but heck they even vamp up your fancy European models as well. So what is stopping you? Seriously, go get two envelopes and follow the directions on the website. They can go on your car, your computer, your kids, your phones, heck, you name it!

Guest Writer Extraordinaire: EG

Hell yeah Africa! Let’s do this!

http://www.npr.org/2011/01/20/133059860/with-former-leader-out-tunisians-speak-freely

So basically I know half of the (possibly two) people reading this are like “Hell no I’m not reading that bullshit linked article, I don’t really give a crap about Tunisia.” Stop being lazy assholes and at least skim it over. (Come on America! We love Africa! The Berlin Conference totally sucked!)

So what awesomeness does this revolutionary movement in Tunisia reveal about America? Something we knew all along: Freedom of speech is monumentally magnificent (thank you, thesaurus.com). These Tunisians are shitting their pants with excitement at finally being able to say stuff like, “Wow, our president really fucking sucked.” We Americans totally feel you, Tunisia! We totally love shit-talking politicians just because we can (thanks First Amendment)! Even though our founding fathers and framers didn’t exactly “invent” political free speech (those ancient Greeks were way ahead of their time) we totally need to appreciate how lucky we are to have the ability to blame all our problems on the government without being imprisoned or even killed. (So not an America move Birmingham, Alabama! MLK was totally protesting peacefully!)

Conclusion: Freedom is the shit, America is the shit, and now Tunisia can totally be the shit! 

-OLG

Boston Tea Party, Fuck Yeah!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_Tea_Party

Showing the English who is boss!

This was a courageous and ballsy act of the Bostonian colonists to stick it to the English for their oppressive acts meant to suffocate the colonies’ economies, especially the 1773 Tea Act, meant to kick Boston’s ass!

Some of our patriot forefathers dressed up disguised as Mohawk Indians (Fuck yeah, Indians! We love you! Andrew Jackson was a dick!) boarded three ships in Boston Harbor (Harbor not Harbour, take that, English language) and dumped 342 chests of tea out into the water. Hows that for some economic damage?!

Conclusion: America wins. 

-MEH.